feeling drained after hanging out? your friends may be narcissists
how to spot them, create distance, and protect your energy—without losing your spark for connection
the wake-up call that changed my social life
A couple of years ago, my therapist at the time (I’ve officially graduated therapy!) actually applauded when I finally admitted what my real friends had known for ages: I'd been running a free emotional support hotline for narcissists. These weren't just slightly self-absorbed pals - they were energy black holes disguised as friendships.
I was the friend who always showed up. Burnt out? Doesn't matter, I'll listen to your third retelling of that work drama. Going through my own crisis? I'll still validate your parking ticket outrage. But when I needed support? Suddenly they're "so bad at emotional stuff" (unless it's their emotions, of course).
In retrospect, the turning point should’ve came when one said, "you know what’s great about you? you care more about others than yourself. i never have to try around you!" At first I preened - what a compliment! Then I realized: they weren't admiring my kindness. They'd identified my caring as their personal renewable resource.
sneaky red flags i somehow missed
The Unflattering Photo Phenomenon: Somehow I always looked deranged in their posts. "It's candid! You look cute!" as I'm clearly mid-sneeze.
The Suffering Olympics: "Your family member’s in the hospital? That's rough. Anyway, my barista forgot my oat milk yesterday and..."
The Conditional Friendship: Radio silence until they need something, then suddenly I'm their "closest friend." guilt gifts when they’ve messed up, etc. or gifts they give you and then take back
The Double Standard: They would take 2 weeks to respond to a text and if it took me a day because I was on a trip, suddenly I was “ghosting them” and “selfish”
The Jealous Competitor: A master of backhanded compliments, this covert narcissist offers praise laced with subtle sabotage ("Good for you...though I'd never want that promotion"… “good for you, you should buy ME dinner to celebrate”). Their enthusiasm dims when your star rises—watch for forced smiles, sudden topic shifts to their own triumphs, or "forgetting" to acknowledge your wins. True peers thrive on mutual growth; competitors need you to stay small.
enter dr. ramani: your guru of gaslighting
If you haven’t binge-watched Dr. Ramani’s Youtube videos like it’s Netflix’s latest true crime doc, allow me to introduce you. The queen of narcissism discourse breaks it down like a sommelier explaining why your $10 wine tastes like regret. according to her, narcissists come in flavors (none of them delicious):
Grandiose: Life's lead actor treating you as supporting cast
Vulnerable: Professional victim who can't spare empathy for others
Communal: "Look how selfless I am!" (while keeping score)
This was eye-opening to me! Read in your best Bridget Jones voice: V. important discovery: narcissists aren’t just the flashy, ‘admire me’ types—they also come in ‘poor me’ and ‘look how selfless I am’ varieties. This explains so much, particularly why certain friendships leave me feeling like an emotional vending machine that’s just been shaken for free crisps.
Must remember: real friends don’t make you feel guilty for existing. Also must remember to buy more wine.
Suddenly, certain friendships made anthropological sense: I’d essentially been serving as an unpaid psychiatric ward for individuals pathologically incapable of reciprocity.
So, you’ve identified the narcissist lurking in your orbit—congratulations, darling, your discernment is chef’s kiss. But now, the real work begins: navigating their ego-fueled labyrinth without losing your sanity (or your dignity). Fear not, for Dr. Ramani’s gospel of self-preservation offers a roadmap—served with a side of intellectual spice.
The Art of Strategic Disengagement: Narcissists feed on attention—your outrage, your hurt, even your logical rebuttals are caviar to their insatiable ego. Starve them. Gray rock like you’re a slab of granite in a modern art exhibit—boring, unresponsive, utterly unremarkable. Your indifference is their kryptonite.
Boundaries: Build Them Like Fort Knox: Emotional vampires despise limits, so erect yours with the precision of a neurosurgeon. No, you will not entertain their diatribes. No, you will not justify your existence. Boundaries aren’t rude—they’re the hallmark of self-respect. Say it with me: "Not my circus, not my narcissist."
Detaché from the Drama (With Elegance): Their chaos is a vortex designed to suck you in. Rise above like the emotionally evolved deity you are. When they hoover, love-bomb, or gaslight, smirk internally and don’t bite. Remember: engaging is playing a rigged game. The only winning move is not to play.
Reclaim Your Narrative: Narcissists rewrite reality like bad fanfiction. Refuse to internalize their warped script. My therapist had me create a list of things they’ve done in the past or of what actually happened with receipts so I wouldn’t forget what reality was.
Exit, Stage Left (When Possible): Sometimes, the only way to win is to leave—with flair. Whether it’s a friendship, relationship, or familial tie, prioritize your peace like it’s the last bottle of champagne on earth. You owe them nothing, least of all your suffering.
In summation: Narcissists are emotional black holes, but you, my dear, are a supernova. Shine without their reflection.
Mic drop. 🎤
creating space without becoming jaded
Here's what surprised me: learning to spot narcissists didn't make me distrustful - it made me better at connecting. I still get butterflies meeting someone new. Still love that magic when a coffee date turns into an hours-long conversation. The difference? Now I can tell who genuinely wants connection versus who just wants an audience.
My new screening process:
The Energy Check: Do I feel lighter or heavier after we talk?
The Reciprocity Test: Do they ask questions and remember answers?
The Celebration Factor: Can they genuinely share joy for others?
the joy of real friendship
When I stopped pouring energy into bottomless pits, something beautiful happened. My true friendships - the ones where we both show up, both listen, both celebrate each other - started shining brighter. The friends who:
Text "How did that big meeting go?" without prompting
Notice when I'm off and actually care
Show up for me in tough times
Celebrate me when I accomplish things
Would never dream of posting my unflattering sneeze face
I make a point to appreciate them daily - these are the connections worth nurturing.
final reflection: keeping faith while staying aware
To the self-aware reader (and potential narcissist - hey, we see you squirming):
Do you dominate conversations or cultivate them?
Can you sit with someone else's pain without making it about you?
When friends succeed, does your first reaction feel like joy or competition?
I refuse to let a few bad apples ruin my appetite for human connection. The world is full of wonderful, reciprocal people - we just have to stop wasting time on the emotional freeloaders to find them.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to meet a new friend who actually understands that friendship isn't a solo performance - it's a duet.
xo,
ruby
*P.S. Still believe in friendship magic. Still get excited meeting new people. Just with better boundaries and a working narcissist-detector these days.*